Drowning...

Have you ever felt you were drowning? 

An invisible force weighing you down ceaselessly to the bottom of the ocean. You are running out of air. You are struggling to catch of breath. There is nothing to hold firmly with a blurred vision. You are pushing hard yourself enough to swim but all your efforts are going to the vein.  You are just going deeper and deeper into the ocean. 

If you ever went through it, then welcome to my world. 

I'm drowning. I'm struggling to take breathe. I'm choking. Can't help myself 'coz I'm going deep down to the ocean. It's dark here. I can't see anything. I'm screaming out loud but nobody can't hear me. I'm raising my hand hoping someone might pull me out but it’s not working. The water is deep here. 

It’s terrifying.

“Is there anybody there?

 I’m drowning.

 Is there somebody to help me?”

I’m losing my mind. 

My eyes are shutting down.

Time has stopped existing as my consciousness goes out like a light.

I'm feeling like a wrecked ship slowly sinking forever under the heart of the ocean. 

 I’m hearing a couple of distinct voices calling my name. I can see their faces very feebly. The sounds are not clear though. But, I smile back at them. Whispering to them that I'm fine here. 

I'm feeling cold. My body is shivering. I can’t feel myself.
 

 Above all else, nothing friendly in my vicinity. I’m all alone here. 

 Am I dead? 

Perhaps no, perhaps yes. 

I have no clue. I’m zoning out. 

Rather......

I’m relishing at this very moment quite amicably.  

“Am I hallucinating?”

- Probably not.

“Am I going out of my mind?”

 Probably not. 

I can sense it. 

This awkwardly pleasant feeling is spreading all over my body. 

The rhythm of the water is titillating me. I’ve never felt so good.

Also, my body is embracing darkness.

I think the darkness is comforting me 'coz, nobody can see me here.

I can hide.

I can cry.

 I can do whatever my heart says.

Nobody will judge me.

Feeling very much relieved that no more fake smiles from now on. I’m getting sick of fake smiles these days.  

Initially, I was intimidated by the darkness. But now, if you ask me, I won't lie; I'm feeling addicted to the darkness underneath the sea right now. No cacophony. Far away from the hustle and bustle of the ground. Silence reigns herein the place. It always will be my playground for today and forever. It’s haunting but dangerously beautiful. 

I know, It’s completely my delusions. 

But, the darkness is luring me.

I am falling into the trap of this mirage. 

If you are reading this, I owe an apology straight from my heart, if I drag you into my twisted messed-up world. 

I just thought you could be the messiah who might be the one to pull me out of it. 

I should have guarded my feelings from the toxic world. I should have kept my feeling locked in Pandora’s box. I let myself open the lid. Now, I’m feeling empty and it’s killing me from inside.  

But sometimes against all odds, we still hope. 

Isn’t it? 

I hope to be the Alice of the wonderland. 

Peter Pan from the Neverland.

In other words, 

 I want to be happy.  

Life will not be easy and it is not designed in that way too. The growth is painful. But, it doesn't allow me to be lived in despair. Life is meant to live hale and hearty. 

So, I’m choosing from this day to stay happy.

I’m choosing to stop giving f*ck. 

'coz,

" Happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."